Mark Kelnar

– a mystery by Ian

“The smoke from my cigar added to the murkeyness of the room. I’m Nicholous White a private eye. My latest case was a baffling one. it all began when a dame walked through my ofice door. she was frantic as most dames are.

I’m pretty sad today. I heard ZZ Top broke up after all these years of being together. I heard they got into a fight, and it got really hairy.

4yr old girl: When I eat too many eggs, it makes my butt ‘splode.

Had a thought, if you don’t know what a dictionary is, where do you go to look it up?

“I know a guy who didn’t know what a dictionary was, but he didn’t know where to look it up.”

3 yr old: Last day is my birthday.
Me: What is last day?
3 yr old: Last day was my birthday.
Me: Oh, ‘last day’ is any day before today. Got it. Like yesterday. Last week, last month. How brilliant, last day means last day.
Me: What do you call tomorrow?
3 yr old: (silence and stare)
Me: Must be ‘next day’.

Doc Brown from Back To The Future has bad aim. It has taken me over 30 years to figure it out, but I woke up this morning with my own vision. Maybe because I have kids now and this is an ongoing battle in my house. My question to Doctor Emmitt Brown is, if not you, then who peed on the toilet porcelain to make it wet?

That was the day I invented time-travel. I remember it vividly. I was standing on the edge of my toilet hanging a clock, the porcelain was wet, I slipped, hit my head on the sink, and when I came to I had a revelation! A vision!
– Doc Brown

Watching my son play with some Batman and Robin legos.

Me: That’s cool, Batman and Robin are finally together. Are they brothers or friends or do they just work together?
7yr old: They work together.
Me: What makes them so special?
7yr old: They are super heroes.
Me: What makes Luke Skywalker so special? Is he a super hero?
7yr old: Uh, no. He destroyed the death star.

While driving the highway and passing an area of lots of corn fields.

Dad: Boys, look at that little tornado of corn husks spinning in that field.
10 yr old: Oh that’s crazy. Cool.
7 yr old: That’s not a tornado. It’s a cornado.
Everyone: HAHAHAHA!
7 yr old: You know, cause it’s made of corn.

6 yr old: Daddy, did you know you can’t see Heaven?
Dad: Uh, no. Tell me more.
6 yr old: Well, you can’t see it from here because it’s so far up.
Dad: Can you explain more? What do you mean you can’t see it? Where is it?
6 yr old: It’s really high. And because it’s above the atmosphere, people can’t see it from Earth. And because if it was really close, that’s why people in Heaven wouldn’t be able to see Earth, because it would be too close.
Dad: How did you come up with this? Did you read it somewhere or were you just sitting here thinking about it?
6 yr old: I was just sitting here thinking about it and that’s what I thought of.